At 9 years old my favorite song was When I Die, by Blood Sweat and Tears. It was the last song onl the album, I don't remember which side. I cleaned the house, by myself, and I would sit in the front window overlooking the street. Watching all the other kids play, including my siblings. I would play that song over and over again, singing as loud as I could. I thought maybe "when I die" and "there would be one child born to carry on", that child would be happy.
I spent most of my youth wanting to just be gone...dead was ok. At that time I "knew" no one would miss me anyway. I honestly felt no one cared as long as I did what was expected of me. The rest of the time I just faded away.
It's sad to me that a child of 9 years old could feel that way.
I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be a mom, I never wanted any of this. Why couldn't I just be a kid like all the other kids outside playing and having fun.
As I got older responsibilities grew too. My siblings learned to hate me. Because I had to be in charge, I was the parent they hated. I didn't usually get in trouble as much as the other kids did, but I wasn't able to do much to get into trouble.
The emotional abuse was the worst for me.
All that another time.
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We didn't hate you, we feared you. And I never thought about you not getting in as much trouble as us because you didn't really do anything to get into trouble...I guess that's my thought for the day. I assumed it was because either you were Dad's favorite or because he was afraid of you too :-)
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